i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
