bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
