hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
