when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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