I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
