did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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