I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
