i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize