i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
