you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
