i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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