My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
