drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
