Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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