Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
