The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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