I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
