Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
