Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
