Umm I'm too high to move.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
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