We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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