i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Randomize
