Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
