I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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