I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
