phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
