Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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