He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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