Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
