I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
