She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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