I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I AM VODKA MAN
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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