I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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