you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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