he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize