if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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