Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
