I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
