he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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