My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Are we still banned from the library?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
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