I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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