I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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