Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
