Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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