Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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