Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
