so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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