you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
