Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
