Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
