I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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