i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
