Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I think my nap took me to another dimension
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
