So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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