i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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