My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
