Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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